Coming of Age
by jane0904
Summary: Next in the Mal/Freya 'verse ... and if you haven't tried it yet, please do - you might like it! It's River's birthday, and things come to a head. Thank you for reading, and reviews are shiny.
1. Chapter 1

"Hank, got some research for you."

"Really?" The pilot turned in his chair and looked at the captain, carrying Ethan in the sling across his chest, and managing not to look stupid doing it. "Something you don't want Freya to know about?"

"No." Mal tried to cross his arms but failed. He contented himself with hitching his thumbs in his pants pockets.

"Pity. Could do with being able to blackmail you once in a while."

Mal found himself sidetracked for a moment. "To do what?" he asked.

"Oh. I don't know. Maybe a few days break? Somewhere nice?"

"A naked beach?" Mal murmured.

"What?" Hank didn't understand.

"Never mind." Mal shook his head. "Look, you do what I've asked and I'll take the days off thing under advisement."

"Fine. Only you haven't asked anything yet." Hank grinned and nodded towards Ethan. "Is this what having a baby does to you? Makes your brain turn to mush?"

"So Freya tells me." Mal glared down at his pilot. "I want you to check out where there might be a fair, a carnival, maybe a dance … something we can all attend."

Hank's eyebrows raised. "Why? And when?"

"17th of this month."

"That's a week away."

"You can count."

"Been doing that for a while now. And why would I be finding said fair or dance?"

"Because I'm captain and you work for me."

"Well, yes," Hank backpedalled. "But I meant more specifically."

"Just find out, _dong mah_?" Mal turned to leave the bridge.

"This anything to do with River's birthday?" Hank's voice followed him.

"You wanna keep that to yourself," Mal said, suddenly right at his ear.

"But that's it?"

"Maybe."

Hank grinned. "She'll love it."

"Just don't let her find out."

"You figure she don't know already?"

Mal stood up. "River's been very careful not to read anyone lately. Ain't you noticed?"

"Is that Freya's influence?"

"Some. But I think it's Jethro's too."

"Brave man."

Mal smiled slightly. "Just don't you tell anyone else."

"Not even Zoe?" Hank asked, a little fretfully. "I mean, she kinda ties me down every night so I'll tell her what I've done, said, heard …"

"Your sex life ain't any of my concern," Mal said, holding up a hand. "Okay. Zoe. But that's it."

"You got it, Cap'n."

"And definitely not Kaylee."

Hank scoffed. "As if I would."

-x-

Kaylee scoffed. "It's all flash."

Serenity had landed gently next to three other ships, each newer and shinier than the Firefly.

"You think?" Hank said.

She pointed out of the bridge window. "That Humble has a Gertsler – bet their mechanic's up all hours fixing the atmo feed. And the Vortex there? Shake you outta your lunch before you leave the system."

Hank looked up at her. "What about the Avocet? I had my first sexual experience on an Avocet."

"Surprised you survived," she said, grinning at him.

"Not sure I did," Hank admitted. "She was a lot older – the woman, I mean, not the ship. And a hell of a lot more experienced. Funnily enough, she was the mechanic too. Only she called herself the engineer."

"Fancy title don't mean she was any good," Kaylee pointed out. "Only thing it's good for is an extra five percent pay."

"Don't even consider asking," Mal said, coming up behind her. "Else you'll be going to them and begging for work."

"Think they'd take me on?" Kaylee asked mischievously.

He put his arm around her shoulder. "One look at those big brown eyes of yours and they'd offer you twenty."

"I don't suppose –"

"No."

She grinned again. "Don't hurt to ask." She looked into his baby blues. "So why're we here? Got a job or something?"

"You looked beyond the ships next to us?" he asked in turn.

"Well …" She peered out of the window, into the evening. "Cap'n, is that what I think it is?" she asked, excitement creeping into her voice.

"Could be."

"A fair?" She looked up, her eyes bright.

"Sure is." He smiled at her, at her enthusiasm for everything life put her way, be it a husband and baby, a Firefly, or the prospect of cotton candy. "And a dance. Local celebration over a good harvest, and Hank got us all invited."

"Ooh …" She was almost jumping for joy. "When?"

"Now. Go get yourself all gussied up. I'll tell everyone else."

"Oh, Cap'n!" She couldn't grin any wider. "This for River's birthday?"

"It is."

She reached up and kissed him on the cheek. "I love my captain," she said, then scampered off.

"If I do something nice, think she'd kiss me like that?" Hank asked, watching her coveralls disappear around the corner.

"You like living on the edge, don't you?" Mal said, lifting down the com.

"Close as I can," the pilot admitted. "Gives life a certain … tang."

"If Zoe finds out you've been looking at Kaylee's rear end like that, it'll be giving life a certain sense of closure." Mal smiled and flicked the switch to give the rest of the crew the good news. "This is your captain speaking. It may have escaped your attention, but it's a certain young lady's 21st birthday today …"

-x-

"You look so pretty," Kaylee said as River smoothed her dress down.

"I don't feel any different," the young psychic admitted. "I thought I'd feel grown up."

"Not sure age has anything to do with that." Kaylee bit her lip slightly in contemplation. "I don't feel grown up, and I've got a husband. And a baby, though she ain't one really no more. Not now she's walking."

"So what does make you feel grown up?" River asked. "Sex?"

Kaylee grinned. "I guess. In a way. Although my first time I was too discomfited to really take much notice of how I felt afterwards. Although I was a mite disappointed too."

"Why?" River fixed her friend with her dark eyes.

"Oh, just …" Kaylee thought back to a time before she'd known there were such things as Fireflys. "He was young too, and not much more experienced than me, and I guess he just didn't know what to do."

"But you're not now. Disappointed."

Kaylee smiled. "Oh no." The smile faltered. "Don't seem to be working, though. Still ain't pregnant."

"It can take a while."

"I know that, but … I mean, Bethany wasn't even planned, and now we're trying nothing's happening." She started to pleat the skirt to her dress. "I so want a little brother or sister for her before it's too late."

River gazed at her. "Too late?"

Kaylee looked up. "Oh, I know that sounds crazy. But this is sending me that way!"

River sat down on the bed next to her. "I wish I could tell you it will happen soon, but I can't. Just be patient."

"I have been!"

"Then you've had the practice."

Kaylee stared, then laughed. "Guess you're right."

"I guess the birthday girl's decided not to go dancing, then," Mal's voice said over the com. "One minute, or we go without you."

"Just coming, Cap'n," Kaylee shouted, her voice carrying into the cargo bay.

"Better be."

-x-

Jayne was wearing his best duds, the black and white striped shirt, the waistcoat that showed his muscles off, and a decent pair of pants. He'd even got the boots he was keeping for a special occasion out and polished them up. He looked _suai_. He also towered over the heads of most of the other people, so he could see as River and Jethro headed towards the sideshows, particularly one that promised alien life forms.

"They're usually cows," Kaylee said at his side.

"Huh?"

She nodded towards the other two. "Them things in jars. Cows."

He looked down at her. "If I knew what the hell you were talking about, I'd answer ya, but you're not making any sense."

"She's happy, Jayne."

"Who?"

"You know exactly who. They've been talking a lot, and I think they're getting real close." She smiled. "I think it's sweet."

"Sure." Jayne tried to keep his tone light. "She told him about her yet? 'Bout being a trained killer?"

Kaylee punched him on the arm. "She's not!"

"Niska?" Jayne reminded her. "Reavers?"

"Well, maybe … but she's River first."

"Ain't saying she's not." He watched them go into the tent. "So I'm figuring she ain't said nothing?"

"I don't think so. She says it's not the right time yet."

"No, figured as much. Ain't heard him running and screaming."

"He wouldn't do that."

"You got a mighty high opinion of him, don't you, little Kaylee?" He turned to look down at her, all pretty in her dress.

"I like him."

"Yeah, but you like everyone. On principle."

"Maybe I do," she said, looking into his eyes. "I like you."

"Don't see why. Ain't nothing here to like."

"Now you know that's not true."

He shook his head and smiled, just a little. "Ain't never known one like you before. Seeing the good in everyone, even if there ain't any."

"There's always good, if you look deep enough." She grinned.

"How you ain't never gone through your life being disappointed, don't think I'll ever figure."

"Kaylee?" Simon bustled up. "Come on, we've got half an hour."

"What for?" she asked, turning to her husband. "And where's Bethany?"

"That's the half an hour we've got. Mal and Freya have her so we can have some fun. Then it'll be our turn."

Her face lit up. "Ooh, your idea?"

"If I say it was will you hurry?"

Kaylee looked back at Jayne. "Don't be mad," she said, putting her hand on his arm. "Just be happy for her. And go and have some fun yourself." She lifted herself onto her toes and kissed his cheek. "You deserve it."

"Kaylee, come _on_," Simon said, pulling her away into the crowd.

Jayne watched them disappear, then sighed. He almost wished he hadn't come, but there was no way he was gonna spend a night on his own on board, just thinking. Damn, but he needed a drink. There must be someplace around that sold alcohol, even the piss-poor stuff most planets called beer.

A group of girls walked past him, and he noticed they were looking him up and down as they did so, giggling and whispering. He drew himself up, pushing his chest out a little more, and the whispering grew in intensity. Maybe he should get himself some trim, too. Get her out of his system that way.

-x-

Mal hadn't dressed up. He'd shaved, which Freya had insisted upon, and changed his clothes, but he refused to wear his suit. Instead he was comfortable in one of his oldest shirts and his brown leather coat. Which now had a small sticky handprint on the shoulder.

"It'll come out," Freya assured him. "I'll deal with it when we get back."

"Sorry, Uncle Mal," Bethany said, held in his arms. She laid her head on his shoulder, the clean one.

"Weren't your fault, squirt," he said quickly. "It was your Pa's. He should never've bought you that cotton candy."

Freya, carrying Ethan as usual, smiled. "I'm sure he didn't mean it."

"It ain't you that's gonna have to walk around all evening smelling of sugar."

"But you're always sweet." Freya laughed at the look on his face. "Come on, I want to look around."

"See, you're giving Bethany here entirely the wrong idea of what being a couple is all about," Mal said, falling into step next to her.

"Oh? And how's that?"

"You telling me what to do."

She put her arm through his. "And what's wrong with that?" she asked.

"'Gainst the natural order of things."

"Which is?"

"A man being the captain of his own boat."

"We're not on board your boat."

"Don't split hairs."

"Mal, you know we always listen to you." She glanced at a small picture frame on a stall, but shook her head.

"Yeah, then go and do exactly what you wanted in the first place."

She turned to look into his blue eyes. "You know that isn't always the case."

"Mostly."

"Occasionally."

"Least half the time."

"Once in a while."

He grinned, then looked at Bethany, who was staring at them. "See, pumpkin? This is what marriage is all about. Give and take. I give, and she takes."

"Funny Uncle Mal," Bethany said, squeezing his neck. She giggled.

"That's right," Freya said. "Funny Uncle Mal."

Bethany smiled at her, then looked past. "Ooh!" She reached out with a small hand.

Freya turned. The little girl had caught sight of a ring-toss stall, and the soft toys hung all around the edge. She laughed. "I think Bethany wants you to win her something."

Mal looked into the child's bright eyes, looking so like her mother than his heart melted. "That what you want, squirt?" he asked, and was rewarded by a brilliant smile.

"Rabbit."

-x-

Inara turned over the small dish she was looking at, noting the tiny plaque set into the bottom declaring this piece to be from the Ming dynasty.

"Very good piece," the stall holder said. "Genuine Earth-that-was."

"How much?"

The man named a figure, but noted the expression on this beautiful woman's face, knowing she was about to walk away. "But for you, I do special deal. Half price."

Inara looked at the item again, enjoying the bright, lush colours and the rich decoration. It really was lovely, even if it wasn't genuine. And still a little expensive, but … "Yes. I'll take it." She handed it over for the man to wrap it up and took some notes from her small purse.

"Buying up the whole fair?" Hank asked as he and Zoe joined her.

"A present for River," Inara explained. "Something special." She paid and took the dish back. "It's not every day you reach twenty-one."

"I don't remember reaching mine," the pilot said. "Mainly 'cause I think I was drunk that week."

"Is that what you did with your youth?" Zoe asked. "Drink it away?"

"Not sure," Hank admitted. "I recall the hangovers." He shuddered. "Lots of them."

"Well, I'm glad you reformed your ways," Inara said, patting him on the arm.

"Had to. Risa wouldn't marry me 'til I did. What about you, honey?" Hank asked, turning to Zoe. "You remember reaching your majority?" He didn't wait for an answer, but went on, "And what is all that about being twenty-one? It's just a figure."

"It used to mean being able to decide what you wanted to do. Not being a child anymore," Inara explained.

"Oh, I know that. But why twenty-one? I mean, it ain't like you're still growing or nothing."

"Some cultures used to put being an adult at thirty."

"Thirty?" Hank was appalled. "You mean they treat you like a kid right up 'til then?"

"And some people never grow out of it," Zoe pointed out.

"You insinuating I'm a big kid?" he asked, turning to look at her accusingly.

"No." She shook her head. "I'm saying it out loud."

"Oh." He grinned. "That's okay then." He glanced at Inara. "We're gonna go to the dance, take a turn around the floor. You wanna come?"

"Mmn, sounds good. It's been a while since I went to a ball. And I didn't get to enjoy it all that much, then."

"No," Zoe agreed, remembering it pretty clearly herself. "But I somehow don't think it's gonna be quite like that."

"Yeah, much more like a hoe-down," Hank said. He stepped between them. "Then come along, ladies." He grinned. "You know, I'm pretty sure everyone's gonna be so jealous of me, two best looking women on the planet on my arm."

Inara laughed. "Is he always like this?" she asked Zoe.

"Always. You learn to live with it. Eventually."

"I shall ignore that comment, and escort you to the dance." He put his arms around their waists. "Now, who's gonna dance with me first?"

-x-

"You paid him, didn't you?" Kaylee accused.

"Pay him? Why would you think that?" Her husband looked at her, his face a picture of innocence.

"So he'd stop this thing up here." She looked down at the ground. They were very high, sitting in the small gondola at the top of the Ferris wheel.

"I did not pay him." Simon shook his head, then changed it into an almost nod. "I might have suggested it. And given him a gift."

"You did pay him." Kaylee's lips twitched.

"And even if I had, it was only to get some time alone with my beautiful wife." Simon pulled her closer along the seat.

"We get time alone."

"But not here. Not halfway between the earth and the stars." He lifted his arm up, swinging it around. "Caught between heaven and …"

"Hell?"

"That wasn't quite what I meant."

She snuggled into him. "I kinda got used to you not saying quite what you meant."

"I'm glad. It does seem to me that I always used to put my foot in my mouth when I was with you." He breathed in the smell of her hair, and felt all his worries drift away.

"You still do." She kissed his cheek, then peered down. "Do you suppose Bethany's having a good time?"

"I imagine so." Simon stroked her head. "She's got the captain wrapped around her little finger."

"Got the whole crew like that. And Ethan's gonna be the same."

"You know Jayne said he was going to teach him how to shoot."

"But surely the Cap'll want to do that."

"I don't think it had occurred to Jayne. He seemed disappointed when I explained that to him."

"Well, when we have a son maybe we'll let him do the teaching." She looked up. "I want another baby, Simon."

"I know." He tightened his grip on her. "And I will … _we_ will, soon."

"You're sure?"

"Whatever it takes, _bao bei_. I promise."

"Okay." Kaylee smiled. "'N' it sure is real pretty up here," she added, looking out at the fair below. "All the coloured lights 'n'all. Like a fairy tale."

"Except down there it's pickpockets and thieves."

"No, Simon," she insisted. "It's a magic kingdom." She pointed to where they could see Serenity sitting. "And there's the castle, home to the good king and all his knights in shining armour."

"Is that how you see us? All noble?"

She looked up into his eyes. "Sometimes."

"And Mal's the king?"

"He's captain. Same thing."

Simon smiled. "I love you, Kaylee Tam."

"Good." She snuggled closer. "Just keep saying that."

-x-

"It would've been cheaper just to buy the damn thing," Mal muttered as he tried to carry Bethany with one arm and an enormous green toy in the other.

"Hiya," Kaylee said brightly, coming out of the crowd.

"Momma!" Bethany called, reaching out to her.

"Hey there, sweet pea. Did you miss me?" her mother asked, taking her from Mal.

"Uncle Mal got me a rabbit." She looked around at the toy. "Mine."

Simon eyed the stuffed animal with distaste. "A rabbit?" he asked.

Mal handed it to him. "Bethany here thinks all toys are rabbits - ain't you noticed?"

"But it's huge."

"And it's staying in her room," Mal said, patting the doctor on the shoulder. "I see it anywhere else and it's going out the airlock."

Bethany's face fell and her mother immediately said, "Don't you listen to him, honey. Uncle Mal didn't mean it." She turned to him. "Did you?"

Mal sighed. "No. I didn't mean it." He looked at the little girl. "Don't worry, Bethie. I won't do that to Jayne."

"Jayne?" Simon asked.

"That's what she says he's called," Freya explained.

Simon looked at the toy, a grin spreading across his face. "I think I'm growing to like this … thing."

"Okay," Kaylee said. "Our turn." She handed their daughter to Simon and helped Freya undo the sling. "He still asleep?"

Freya nodded. "He should be fine. I kept him awake today, and he's comfy, so there shouldn't be a problem. And we'll only be half an hour. Maybe less."

"At least half an hour," Mal said firmly. "He'll be fine."

She looked into his face. "I know. It's just -"

"Come on," her husband said softly. "I got the urge to take you into the Tunnel of Love."

"Really?" Her eyes brightened.

"Have fun," Kaylee said.

"Oh, we will," Mal responded, taking his wife's arm and leading her into the crowd.

Simon was still staring at the toy. "Jayne?" he murmured.

-x-

The big man was standing watching, a glass in his hand, and it was obvious this wasn't his first drink. Most people had found their way to the improvised dance floor, and he could see Hank and Zoe out in the crowd, their heads together, oblivious to the rest. Even Inara was dancing with someone who looked as if he couldn't believe his luck. And Mal and Freya had just walked in. But his eyes kept being drawn back to the couple in the centre of the floor, being very formal and keeping at least six inches gap between their bodies. River and Jethro.

He tossed the whisky down his throat and turned away, back to the makeshift bar. Banging his glass down he demanded, "Give me another! And leave the bottle."

The barkeep put the whisky down in front of him and picked up the coin Jayne dropped onto the wooden planking. "Just keep it down, mister," he warned. "Everyone's having a good time. Don't want to spoil it."

"Ain't spoiling nothing," Jayne growled. "Just want me a quiet drink."

"Long as it is quiet." The man moved away to serve someone else, but kept glancing back.

Jayne didn't care. He poured another glass and shot it into his mouth, feeling the raw alcohol burn its way down to his stomach.

"Man shouldn't be drinking alone."

He turned towards the voice. She wasn't young, at least, not a teenager, but a woman, with soft skin and blonde hair. Her body was soft too, a little fleshy under the cotton dress she wore, but all female. "Well, if you drink with me, I won't be alone."

"Don't mind if I do."

He grabbed a spare glass and poured her a drink, refilling his at the same time. She picked hers up and lifted it to her red lips.

"Cheers," he said.

"May your troubles be few," she said, and sipped the whisky.

"Troubles?" Jayne said. "Ain't got any of them. Just do my work and get paid."

"And what work is that?" she asked, moving closer to him.

He could smell her, the warm scent of fresh-cut hay. "Whatever they want."

"You a gunhand?"

"Yeah." He smiled at her. "That scare ya?"

"A little," she conceded. "But it makes me warm, too. You know?" She smiled back.

"I get your meaning." Jayne put his hand on her waist, feeling her body underneath the dress.

"Have you killed people?"

He shrugged. "Some."

"More'n some, I'd guess."

"Maybe."

"With those hands?"

He looked down. "Sure."

"Bet they do other things too," she said, pressing close to him.

He felt his body begin to stir. "Guess maybe you're figuring on finding out what."

"Could be." She reached up and tried to put her lips on his, but he moved his head.

"No," he said. "Never kiss on the mouth."

"Why not?" she asked, pouting.

"Just don't." He leered at her a little. "Don't mean I don't kiss elsewhere."

The pout turned into a smile. "Like where?" She was as close to him as she could be without actually getting naked.

"Cheryl, you know you don't want to do that," the barkeep warned. "You're only gonna make him jealous, and you know what happens then."

"Too damn late."

Jayne was pulled around on his heels to face a man, his face red with anger, who drew back his fist and let fly. It connected with Jayne's jaw, and his head snapped back as he tasted blood. The man wound his arm up again, only this time found his fist caught in a bigger hand.

"First one you get for free," Jayne said darkly, pushing him back.

The man staggered. "She's mine. I ain't having any big ape pawing her over."

"If she's yours then you'd best be keeping a better eye on her," Jayne said, picking up his glass and drinking. The cut on his lip stung but he ignored it. "'Sides, she came on to me."

"Liar!" The man launched himself at Jayne again, but the big mercenary was ready. He grabbed hold of the man's shirt, throwing him against the bar, lifting his fist ready to pummel him into a bloody pulp …

"Jayne," he heard in his mind. River.

He paused, looking down into the man's eyes, seeing the fear there, knowing he could kill him so easily … He turned, tossing him away towards the dance floor. The music had faltered, come to a stop, and the dancers had turned to look at him.

Jayne glared into the crowd, finding them easily.

"You did this!" he shouted, his voice carrying easily across the hushed dance floor. "You did this to me! Made me not know who I am no more! _Xiong can wang ba dan de biao zi_, why couldn't you just leave me alone?"

He stared a moment longer then strode away, his fists clenched tight, ignoring Kaylee and Simon standing open-mouthed. He was almost running towards Serenity when Mal's voice stopped him in his tracks.

"Jayne."

"Leave it, Mal."

"Can't do that." The captain came closer. "You were gonna kill that man, weren't you?"

"Mal -"

"You need to get yourself together. Can't be having this sort of behaviour. Not on my boat."

Jayne turned. "Then maybe it's for the best I ain't gonna be on your boat no longer."

Mal took a step backward. "I wasn't indicating -"

"No, maybe not. But I …" Jayne stopped. "I can't do this, Mal. I thought I could but I can't. She's in here …" He tapped his forehead. "… and I can't get her out. I have to get away from it. From her."

"Jayne, you don't have to -"

"I do." The big man seemed to deflate a little. "Don't see any other way."

"Maybe once you've slept it off -"

"I ain't drunk, Mal! Least, not that much. I know what I'm saying."

Mal gazed at him, sympathy and understanding on his face. "You really think there's no alternative."

"I can't be around her, not with him. You saw what I did back there. I know I promised you I wouldn't hurt him, but I can't …"

Mal nodded. "At least stay until we get somewhere more civilised. I don't like the idea of putting you off where there ain't no chance of you getting another ride."

"There's other ships here right now, Mal," Jayne pointed out. "One of 'em'll be sure to take me on, even if I have to pay my way." He straightened up. "I'm gonna get my stuff, be gone by the time you get back."

"And what do you think I should say to the rest of the crew?" Mal asked.

"Tell 'em …" Jayne gave a short bark of laughter. "Tell 'em what you like. Make somethin' up. Just don't tell 'em the truth."

Mal sighed. "You don't have to leave."

"Yeah. I do." The big man turned and headed back towards the Firefly.

"Mal?" Freya asked from the shadows.

"I don't know, _ai ren_," he admitted. "I don't know."

-x-

Jayne lugged his big gun bag down into the bay, putting it on the floor to adjust the smaller one on his back. As he stood up he jumped.

"Girl, what're you doing here?" he asked.

"Don't go," River said.

"Can't tell me what to do," Jayne replied, standing square in front of her.

"Please. I don't want you to leave." Her dark hair, caught back from her face, had come loose as she had hurried from the dance, and now a lock fell in front of her cheek. He so wanted to touch it, push it back behind her ear, but he held himself in check.

"I gotta go, River. This ain't something's gonna change." His voice was suddenly soft. "I can't stay."

"You mustn't. Not because of me."

"Who said it was?" Jayne shook his head. "You ain't so important to me, moonbrain. Not that I'm gonna stay here."

"Then why did you shout that?" She pointed back towards the dance, towards the music that they could still faintly hear. "Why?"

"I was drunk." He shrugged. "Too much whisky, is all."

"No. I don't believe it."

"That's up to you." He picked up his guns. "Just time to make a change. As good a place as any. Been here a long time, and it's time to move on."

"Jayne, please …" She was almost begging him.

"You don't need me, girl. You've got Jethro. And if I'm not here you can concentrate on him." He shook his head again. "He ain't good enough for you, but if you want him …"

She put her hand on his arm. "I won't let you."

"What you gonna do? Break my legs so I can't leave? That it?" He looked into her eyes, feeling a burning from where her fingers gripped his wrist.

"Don't …"

"Decision's made." He forced a smile. "See ya 'round, moonbrain."

He strode past her, down the ramp and out into the night. She stared after him.

Mal stepped into the light from the bay, the others behind him. "You okay?" he asked softly.

"What did he mean, River?" Jethro asked.

"Stop him," River pleaded, ignoring the young man. "Captain, stop him."

"Can't do that," he said. "It's up to Jayne whether he stays or not."

Jethro moved closer. "What did he mean?"

"But I don't want him to go!"

Mal put his hands on her shoulders, turning her to look at him. "I told you before, albatross. That you were playing with fire doing that to Jayne. That you might get hurt."

A fat tear rolled down her cheek. "I thought Jayne was my friend."

"Now you know better'n that."

She nodded. "I didn't want to hurt him. I was leaving him alone."

"Maybe that wasn't the right thing to do. Talkin' to him might have been a better idea. Only it's kinda late now."

She stared into his face, then ran off towards her room.

"Captain, what's going on?" Jethro asked. "He meant it, didn't he? About her breaking his legs?"

Mal looked at the young man. "I think you'd better talk to River 'bout that."

"But she couldn't. Could she?"

Serenity's captain put a hand on his shoulder. "River's … special. Thought you'd figured that out by now. And you need to ask her."

Jethro nodded. "I will." He followed the young girl towards her quarters.

"Cap?" Kaylee said, holding Bethany close. "Is Jayne …"

"Best get to bed, _mei-mei­_," Mal said softly.

"But we're not just leaving him here, are we?"

"We won't go yet. But I don't see him coming back."

"Couldn't you have stopped him?"

"He's a grown man, Kaylee," Freya said, moving up to stand by her husband. "I think River forgot that."

"Ain't fair."

"No."

Mal shook himself and looked around at the remainder of his crew. "Think it's right we all get to bed. Ain't nothing to be done tonight."

They nodded variously and filed silently past him towards their respective quarters.

"It's my fault," he added quietly.

"What makes you think that?" Freya asked. "It would probably have happened at some point."

"That don't make me feel any better," Mal said bitterly.

-x-

River was lying on her bed, her face buried in the pillow, sobbing.

"Please don't," Jethro said from the doorway. "It breaks my heart to hear you crying like this."

She looked up at him, her cheeks red. "He's gone," she said quietly.

"I know." He stepped inside and sat down next to her, stroking the hair from her face.

"I didn't want him to leave." Tears were running freely.

"Did you love him?" he asked, not sure he really wanted to hear the answer.

"Yes."

"Then why didn't you tell him?"

"Because I didn't understand. And then you …"

"Me?" He moved closer. "River, we didn't know each other."

"I knew you."

"No. What you read in my mind that day, that doesn't count as knowing. Being with someone, learning what they like or hate, what they think … it's not the same."

"I knew Jayne."

"Yes, yes I think you did."

"Why did he go?" Her voice tore at him.

"Because he couldn't stay."

She nodded, swallowing thickly. "It's my fault."

He put his hand on her cheek. "River …"

She rolled forward and put her arms around his waist, pushing her head into his chest. He held her close. "Don't leave me."

"Ssh, ssh," he said, feeling her trembling. After a long moment he said, "But I need to learn something now. When he said … when Jayne spoke about you breaking his legs … he meant it, didn't he."

She stiffened and looked up into his face, her eyes frightened. "Jethro …"

"What haven't you told me?"

She stared, then nodded. "So much," she said softly. "Blood on my hands … from the Academy … Reavers … Freya …"

"Freya?"

River took a deep breath and began. "When I was fourteen …"


	2. Chapter 2

"In case anybody feels the urge to know, we've taken off," Hank said, dropping down into the kitchen area.

Mal looked over from where he was just finishing drying his plate. "Only me around," he said. "We on course?"

"Next stop Beaumonde," the pilot confirmed. "In about ten hours."

"Good." Mal put his dish away and closed the cupboard. "Well, grab yourself some breakfast then get back to the bridge."

"Aye aye, captain." Hank grinned as he realised he sounded like a pirate, and snapped off a smart salute to go with it.

"Just fly the damn boat," Mal said, coming out from behind the counter.

"No problem." The grin faded. "So Jayne really decided he didn't want to fly with us no more?"

"His choice." Mal stepped into the corridor.

"Guess it's gonna take us a while to get used to the big ape not being around."

"I guess."

Hank heard the hatch above Mal's bunk open then close again, and he sighed. Seemed like nobody felt like being sociable today. He stirred the hot oat cereal in the pan. Mind, if Mal had made breakfast, he wasn't surprised everyone was avoiding it.

"Oh, sorry," Jethro said from the doorway. "I thought everyone had finished."

"Not sure anyone's actually been here," Hank corrected, dropping a glutinous spoonful into a bowl.

"Um, is that breakfast?" Jethro asked, coming closer to peer at it.

"Either that or Kaylee's invented a new form of engine sealant." Hank poked if carefully but it appeared to be dead. "Our captain is not the best cook in the world," he said in a whisper. "Mind you, neither am I. I once managed to burn salad."

Jethro, deciding abstinence was probably better on this occasion, paused in the action of pouring himself a cup of coffee. "How can you burn salad? That's impossible."

"Not for me," Hank admitted happily. "See, it said it was warmed, only I didn't realise that meant the dressing, so I –"

"Burned the salad." Jethro nodded in understanding. "Maybe I should volunteer to cook."

"You know how?"

"I used to work in the kitchens at the Abbey."

"Oh, please. Mal's great at the making of coffee, but as for the rest …" He tipped a load of sweetener into his food. "Even this don't really help."

"I'll mention it. If I'm here that long."

Hank lifted a spoonful of oats to his mouth and began to chew. "You thinking of leaving us too?" he asked somewhat indistinctly.

"I don't know."

"You okay? Only you don't seem your usual, high spirited self this morning."

"River and I spoke last night," Jethro said slowly. "After Jayne left. Probably properly for the first time."

"Ah."

"She told me … things."

"Things you didn't know."

"Yes."

"Let me guess. She told you about the Academy, and how Simon got her out."

"Among others."

Hank swallowed. "I wasn't around then," he said thoughtfully. "I didn't join the crew until a coupla years back. But I remember when I first heard. I wasn't sure whether the rest of the crew was crazy or I was."

"Hmn."

"I mean, there was this sweet young thing, all delicate and fragile, and there they were telling me she killed a room full of Reavers all by herself."

"How could she?" It had been preying on his mind all night. "Kill, just like that."

"It was kinda them or the crew."

"I know that, but … River?"

"Jethro, it took guts to take on the Reavers."

The young man sat for a moment. "Until the Miranda broadwave, I didn't even believe they existed."

"Me neither," Hank said, remembering what he'd seen on Corvus, and couldn't stop the shudder that went through him. "You know it was this crew that sent that wave."

Jethro looked up, startled. "What?"

"Because of what the Academy did to River. Lost two of their own in the process, and damn near killed the rest." Hank pointed with his spoon. "As far as I'm concerned, they're heroes."

"I didn't know."

"No reason you should. It ain't exactly common knowledge." He put his spoon back into his bowl. "Nor is what they did to River, and she musta trusted you to tell you." He looked at Jethro, his usual sunny disposition somewhat shadowed. "It wasn't her fault, you know. They did things to her against her will that … well, she ain't never told anyone. Not even Simon. It was only his love and persistence that got her out of there."

"But the things she _did_ tell me … the awful violence …"

"Jethro, River is the sweetest crazy person you're ever gonna have the pleasure of meeting. She's got some issues with sloppy impulse control, but she's working on that with Freya. Ain't you noticed how she's not reading people's minds so much any more?"

"Well, yes, but I thought –"

"She's trying to grow up. And a little hiccup every now and then is to be expected. Kinda like a temper tantrum. Only admittedly they don't usually end up with body parts all over the place."

"But Jayne … she said she loves him." He was surprised to realise it hurt when he said that.

"Maybe she does. But he's gone. And you're here. She kinda needs you right now, Jethro. You gonna walk away from her just when she's bared her soul to you? When she's hurting too?"

"I … I don't know."

"You scared of her?"

Jethro blushed. "A little."

"Good. So you should be. I'm scared of Zoe, only it's a hell of a lot more than just a little. Mal's scared of Freya, and I think even Simon's scared of Kaylee. It's 'cause they're women. We don't understand 'em, what makes 'em tick, and that makes 'em scary. But it don't mean we have to let 'em scare us off." He stood up. "Are you in love with River?"

"I … I'm not sure," Jethro admitted.

"Then you ain't. Not yet. But don't go closing that door just 'cause you're scared. Some of the best times of my life've been had whilst I was absolutely terrified." He grinned. "You know, I don't think I feel hungry no more." He dumped his bowl in the sink. "But if you decide to cook some real food, let me know." He grinned wider and headed back to the bridge, whistling tunelessly.

Jethro sat for a long time while his coffee went cold. Hank was right. River was special, and beautiful, and very scary. But he'd be wasting something precious if he didn't see what happened next. He stood up. They'd need to take it slowly. As far as he was concerned, he was still an almost-Shepherd, and that was important to him. Still, River wasn't going to be rushed either, one way or the other. And this could end up being the adventure of his life.

He smiled. She'd asked him not to leave her last night. This morning it was maybe time to tell her he wasn't going anywhere.

-x-

Still, he stopped outside her door, and felt ashamed. No matter that he'd spoken to Hank, agreed with him even that there was no need to run from River, in that short walk from the galley to the sleeping area his resolve had melted away like dew on a hot day. And now he was sweating.

He liked River - more than liked. But the things she'd told him, the way it affected her, chilled him to the bone.

"When I was fourteen," she began, "I went to a school. It was supposed to be so much fun, so many things to learn, to expand our horizons and broaden our minds …" She'd choked slightly and he'd rubbed her back. "Our minds …" She'd looked up at him, the caring and understanding face he'd put on, his Shepherd's face, and she pulled back from him, a look of fear in her eyes. But still she'd gone on, bitterness and pain now in her voice. "They wanted her for her minds. Took her into dark places. Shone bright lights into her soul and tore it out."

"River, I don't understand."

"Cut into her brain. Over and over. Until there was nothing left. Until they filled her up with all the agony and anger they carried, the dreams that weren't hers, the voices and the pictures and the horror .." She stopped, staring at him, through him, then rolled away, turning her back.

He reached out to her, barely touching her. "River …"

"Simon found me. Found me broken but rescued me, started putting me back together again." Her shoulders were shaking with the effort of telling him. "Put her back in her box and locked it with the Miranda key. Only sometimes she gets out." River pulled her knees up to her chest. "I killed them. The Reavers. I took their vorpal blades and went snicker-snack." Her voice caught, halfway between a laugh and a sob. "And when I was done there was only bodies."

"You … killed?"

She turned back to gaze at him, her eyes pleading. "They would have killed us, Jethro. Raped us. Eaten our flesh. I had to save my family."

"I …" He tried to find the words but failed.

The hope in her eyes faded. "They forgave me."

"Who? The Reavers?" The words fell from his lips before he could stop them.

"My family," she corrected softly. "Took me back." She laid her head down. "Keep taking me back, even when I …" She bit her lip.

"When you what?" he asked, almost afraid to know the answer.

She whispered. "Another blade. Slicing upwards. Through flesh and muscle." She closed her eyes. "I nearly killed her."

"Who, River? Who?" He was appalled and fascinated, and disgusted with himself for both.

"My mother."

"Your -"

She opened her eyes and turned their infinite depths on him. "Freya. So much blood." She reached out and took his hand, holding it carefully between both of hers in case it might escape. "I've spent so long trying to atone. To ask for forgiveness."

"But Freya doesn't … she's not your … how -"

"She forgave me," River interrupted gently. "I can't forgive myself." She suddenly let go and wrapped her arms around her body, shivering. "Never forgive."

"River …" He stared down at her, so young, so fragile, so totally vulnerable. So lost. He wanted to tell her that God forgave, that she only had to ask, but this seemed so meaningless right now and the words stuck in his throat.

He leaned over, taking her into his arms and holding her, twisting around so that he could lie on the bed next to her. For a moment she resisted, then she put her head into his chest and wept. Tears soaked his shirt, but he held her until she quietened, until she slept.

He waited a while longer, to make sure she wouldn't waken, then gently disentangled himself from her. Lifting the blanket he tucked it carefully around her, stroking the hair away from her cheek with a tender touch, then left her.

Now he stood outside, a sleepless night behind him, and wishing he'd stayed with her. He wanted to kiss it better, to make the pain go away, but all he could do was offer comfort and palliatives. Like a Shepherd. And it made him angry. He knew there was so much more, things she hadn't said, had probably never said to anyone, not even her brother. Things so painful she hid them under the veneer of someone else.

Hank had called her the sweetest crazy person he knew. _She'd_ said she was broken. Yet this crew, this family, claimed her as their own. Even Jayne, who wouldn't admit to loving her. And he, Jethro, had come between them.

"It's not your fault," River said from inside her room. "I made him leave. I didn't see how much I'd hurt him, and he had to get away from me."

Jethro slid the door open a little. She was sitting up, still dressed in her clothes from the night before, the blanket wrapped tightly around her.

"I didn't know," he said softly. "I just thought he was protective of you. I had no idea of the depth of his feelings."

"Neither does he." She wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand and sniffed. "I drove him off. Before he could say."

"It wasn't your fault, River," Jethro said, stepping into the room. "He didn't have to go."

"Yes he did. And they won't forgive me," she murmured, her voice barely audible. "They'll never forgive this."

"But he was just -"

"He's Jayne!" she said suddenly. "It doesn't matter how they all behave! What Hank says! They all feel the gap, the loss, the hole where he should be, sitting in the galley saying terrible things and making worse enemies! And he's not there because of me!"

Jethro felt worse than useless. He felt guilty. "River …"

"I didn't listen." She was quieter. "When they told me not to do it. I wouldn't hear what they were saying. And now all I can hear is what they're thinking. That it's my fault. And I've lost my friend." She began to cry silently, and Jethro, a lump in his chest, sat on the bed and held her in his arms, just being there for her.


End file.
